Holidays ~ .. well not quite.

tired ..

This weekend back home perhaps it's the most productive one for me. Had my NVC stuff printed out and ready. Printed my notes read a few things on TDR (Recombinant DNA Technology) although I still have a lot to go for TDR but it's a start I suppose.

There are still a lot of things backlogged and I can't keep them out of my mind *sigh*
1. Chemistry still need of revising and have to start on doing the notes
2. Need to revise gene pop which I have really no idea at all until now >.> I've been dreaming through the lectures.
3. NVC script for Law Faculty
4. MKC video
5. Revise TITAS (this course is a joke .. never really turn up for lectures but have to start reading before it's too late =.=)

Thats all I can think of at the moment. These tasks plus those personal ones are driving me to sleepless nights. I went to the hair salon today, my friend there said I'm getting thinner *sigh* this is a bad sign. Seriously, my ideal weekend is going back home .. be able to sleep and rest without a need to think of any schoolwork/project. One of my new year resolutions is getting fatter aso .. at this rate it isn't much going to happen.

I will have to work my ass off this week for sure. As there is a long weekend coming up due to the public holidays, I hope to finish all the things I have in hand and then sneak in a day of rest or so. I'm just so so so tired .... I really do hope to catch up on my studies in time though, things doesn't look that bright anymore for me to maintain my dean's list this semester. I've done terribly in the mid-semester test. I'm not pleased at all with my performance. I know I can do much much better. Now all there's left is to put those words I type here all the time into action.

Well, moving on to happier things. I've booked a trip to Redang with my friends for this coming sem break. Hope that everything goes well and I will be going with some friends of my friends. Hopefully I don't scare them away like I do most of the time =\

Really looking forward for this semester break. It will be good just to sit at home and spend time with my family and think over stuff. Finally I will have time for myself. I just don't feel balanced when I don't have time to do the things that I really enjoy doing *sigh* I haven't played music in ages .. my guitar is collecting dust over in the corner. Other than that I must rest, eat and sleep ! Haha maybe my new year resolution might not fail just yet !

Going back to uni now. Will try to blog more frequently =D there are readers reading right ? Haha ciao ~

A new beginning !

It's 3am now and I've just finished another "dagei" session with the guys. I've still haven't done any studying that I've planned and other chores that I've planned to finish by today. "Will do it tomorrow", this seems to be my motto for the past month. I've promised myself to patch things up and I've been putting off things forever. This should serve as a stern reminder.

Dreams

It is now 3.53pm. I've promised myself that I would at least do some studying during this weekend to slowly cover back what I've missed during the past half semester and yet here I am procrastinating. I've been so backlogged *sigh*. Time passes very quickly and this semester being a short one, accelerates the feeling even more. Only recently I've finished one of my project, 7th college's MKC, a chinese cultural night. Happy that keeaun, menwai and amos they all which came. It was a tiring night but you guys' presence made it all worth it. Although I admit it could have been better but I've done my best for the night =\ This project has taken its toll on me a lot. I've even skipped quizzes and done badly for my mid-sem test *sigh* Time to catch up .. really.

I've planned a lot for the coming weeks and I really hope I have to strength in me to see it through. This means a lot of cut backs in entertainment and a lot of focus I have to put in my life. It's been a long time since I've felt this way. I like this feeling. I feel alive. It's like having a focus back in life. Something that I felt I've lost after form 5.

Looking at the papers today, I came across the education section again. SPM / STPM results are coming out soon and more school leavers are getting a step closer to achieving their dreams which comes to the topic of the post today. Looking at them brings a certain nostalgic feeling in me. I was in their shoes not a long time ago .. thinking hard on what next step should I take in life. Looking back at them also brings envy as they still has the choice with them. The world has strange ways of teaching people things. These short few months have brought countless revelations and other enlightening things. Now if only I get up from my ass and apply them in life.

I believe I can still achieve my dream of becoming a doctor and I will do it even though the road will be long and hard. Take it as a detour. Not to forget is my other dream of traveling ... Well, I'm getting a jump start at this as I'm planning to do some within the country during sem breaks. Now to only find companions =D I've always kept my childhood dreams close to my heart and I still do. I will see that those does not just remain as dreams.

It will become my reality someday.

My life is in such a mess now =.= Time to work it out. Wish me luck.

Home

Everyone gets to do their new year's post but not me T.T It's now the lunar new year already and finally I got the time to sit down and write something. First things first, I've a good feeling for this year .. I really do. Although 2008 didn't really start of with a bang but it has given me positive enough vibes to keep me feeling good.

All my college-mates are now back to their respective hometowns *sigh* I wonder what is the feeling of actually going back to one as every year it's just me and my old bunch of friends here in KL. We've practically done everything. For just once I really wish to know what it feels like to go home. I've tasted some of it though living at the hostel at all although I just do it on weekends. The sweet smell of home is really something you cannot replace. It is a place for you to hide and recharge even though all hells breaks loose outside.

It's been a struggle for me during these weeks without any update. Been busy with projects, assignments (which reminds me I haven't started doing much yet), tests and more test. It feels just so lonely out there all alone striving for so-called excellence. Sometimes, I just don't know what and why I'm doing all those things anyway. It's really draining .. mentally and physically. Well, we can easily fix the physical part but mentally *sigh*

I've never been missing my secondary school friends this much before. Knowing that they will always be there for me is assuring. Kenny with his "fuck you bitch" sms-es which he sends whenever he feels like it, to going out with Kingsley and Kc which will decide things for you. There were ups and downs in our friendship but if you gave me a chance I would do that all over again. I wonder why I can't get this feeling back in college. It all feels so alien .. I am thinking too much again but it just doesn't feel right. I'm not happy. *sigh* The silence of the night always wins.

I'm glad I have some really roommate though. I really would like to stay on with them at college. I hope they don't mind me as their roommate though. They brought me the colours of university life. Why am I suddenly so feeling detached from the people in college? I wonder why. I actually gotten better among the seniors and other juniors .. I've been trying to learn to speak mandarin the best I can. I seriously think I interact and communicate more with them but I don't feel the sense of belonging at all .. I wonder if any of you guys are reading this. Care to teach me ? I've never been good in the social department.

Every blog post and I have to rant some negative things. Damn it ! Well, those things aside. My college project is coming up and I'm in-charged of the sound / music production for the performance. I'm really looking forward to see what effects can it bring to the drama. I hope my sound selection is suitable. Do come and support me !! It will be held on 21/02/08 at 7th RC UM =D

That's it for tonight. Gotta get back to FFXII =P

Christmas

Christmas is here and gone. So how was Christmas everyone? I hope everyone had a great time. This year's Christmas for me is special. No, I didn't celebrate it with anyone special ... in fact I didn't celebrate with anyone at all. I spent my Christmas alone. It was one of my greatest fears in the past but this time I actually chose to spend it alone. I was at Genting Highlands for Christmas with my family where they had an apartment which we stayed over for 2 nights. It was just the holiday that I wanted. I've wanted to go to Genting to cool off since ages. It's peaceful there for me I don't know why, whenever things came up I would go to Genting to just walk-about and feel the wind and a lot of things have came up for me this year.

So I've finally found some "my-time" something which I think I didn't do for ages. Perhaps I'm being to accustomed with having company around that these days I can't do without company. I guess this is the part of me I'm trying to search over the years. Honestly I feel myself a bit fuller after that Christmas eve night. That Christmas weekend, I've tried my best to not contact my friends if I can and tried to be on my own. There are some friends who still msg-ed me, albeit there are some who forwards messages but there were a few who just text me and ask me what am I doing on Christmas and whether wanna go out or not. I'm really touched by those. =D Although I can't join them in the end but I'm happy to know that at least I crossed their minds even just awhile.

On Christmas eve, I got out on my own and went to the car park at Genting Hotel just to feel the Christmas atmosphere which I've felt during 2004 where I went up with everyone just after SPM. It was a great and fun experience where we ran, played and sprayed everyone we meet but it was not meant to be this time round. It appears that RWB banned the use of spray cannisters at the resort. Even the police is there to confiscate sprays =.= There is also no countdown and no fireworks also but human spirit did not fail ! Some of the revelers partied in their own way. =D Btw the christmas deco up there is really nice !

toys through the window

window close-up

I walked around the carpark and the hotels during that time. Noticed that there are a few guys & girls like me too. Alone. But most of them are with either partners / friends / family. It was a really eye-opening experience.At that moment, the sense of appreciation just suddenly came over me. Watching them makes me wanted to do that so much with my family and friends. Thank you guys for being there for me all the time.

me and my family

me and f6 friends at amos's christmas party

But right now I've realized it's time for me to learn how to be alone again. Well, don't assume to the extreme .. it's not like I'm trying to cut myself away from the world. It's just that, I'm too used to being with people I find it hard to be alone. It's the balance in life that I've been looking hard for. Looking back, without it really I've been out of control. I'm being this needy / clingy friend which is annoying =.= I can be obsessive *sigh*

Speaking of obsession, I think this is one quality of mine which made me scared a lot of friends away. My only regret so far. I hope with this revelation I don't do such mistakes again. With this also I hope I will grow stronger and more matured. I'm already 20 years old .. really time to grow up already.

PS : Wondered how they have grown up into?

genting christmas '04