My life is in such a mess now =.= Time to work it out. Wish me luck.

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Everyone gets to do their new year's post but not me T.T It's now the lunar new year already and finally I got the time to sit down and write something. First things first, I've a good feeling for this year .. I really do. Although 2008 didn't really start of with a bang but it has given me positive enough vibes to keep me feeling good.

All my college-mates are now back to their respective hometowns *sigh* I wonder what is the feeling of actually going back to one as every year it's just me and my old bunch of friends here in KL. We've practically done everything. For just once I really wish to know what it feels like to go home. I've tasted some of it though living at the hostel at all although I just do it on weekends. The sweet smell of home is really something you cannot replace. It is a place for you to hide and recharge even though all hells breaks loose outside.

It's been a struggle for me during these weeks without any update. Been busy with projects, assignments (which reminds me I haven't started doing much yet), tests and more test. It feels just so lonely out there all alone striving for so-called excellence. Sometimes, I just don't know what and why I'm doing all those things anyway. It's really draining .. mentally and physically. Well, we can easily fix the physical part but mentally *sigh*

I've never been missing my secondary school friends this much before. Knowing that they will always be there for me is assuring. Kenny with his "fuck you bitch" sms-es which he sends whenever he feels like it, to going out with Kingsley and Kc which will decide things for you. There were ups and downs in our friendship but if you gave me a chance I would do that all over again. I wonder why I can't get this feeling back in college. It all feels so alien .. I am thinking too much again but it just doesn't feel right. I'm not happy. *sigh* The silence of the night always wins.

I'm glad I have some really roommate though. I really would like to stay on with them at college. I hope they don't mind me as their roommate though. They brought me the colours of university life. Why am I suddenly so feeling detached from the people in college? I wonder why. I actually gotten better among the seniors and other juniors .. I've been trying to learn to speak mandarin the best I can. I seriously think I interact and communicate more with them but I don't feel the sense of belonging at all .. I wonder if any of you guys are reading this. Care to teach me ? I've never been good in the social department.

Every blog post and I have to rant some negative things. Damn it ! Well, those things aside. My college project is coming up and I'm in-charged of the sound / music production for the performance. I'm really looking forward to see what effects can it bring to the drama. I hope my sound selection is suitable. Do come and support me !! It will be held on 21/02/08 at 7th RC UM =D

That's it for tonight. Gotta get back to FFXII =P

Christmas

Christmas is here and gone. So how was Christmas everyone? I hope everyone had a great time. This year's Christmas for me is special. No, I didn't celebrate it with anyone special ... in fact I didn't celebrate with anyone at all. I spent my Christmas alone. It was one of my greatest fears in the past but this time I actually chose to spend it alone. I was at Genting Highlands for Christmas with my family where they had an apartment which we stayed over for 2 nights. It was just the holiday that I wanted. I've wanted to go to Genting to cool off since ages. It's peaceful there for me I don't know why, whenever things came up I would go to Genting to just walk-about and feel the wind and a lot of things have came up for me this year.

So I've finally found some "my-time" something which I think I didn't do for ages. Perhaps I'm being to accustomed with having company around that these days I can't do without company. I guess this is the part of me I'm trying to search over the years. Honestly I feel myself a bit fuller after that Christmas eve night. That Christmas weekend, I've tried my best to not contact my friends if I can and tried to be on my own. There are some friends who still msg-ed me, albeit there are some who forwards messages but there were a few who just text me and ask me what am I doing on Christmas and whether wanna go out or not. I'm really touched by those. =D Although I can't join them in the end but I'm happy to know that at least I crossed their minds even just awhile.

On Christmas eve, I got out on my own and went to the car park at Genting Hotel just to feel the Christmas atmosphere which I've felt during 2004 where I went up with everyone just after SPM. It was a great and fun experience where we ran, played and sprayed everyone we meet but it was not meant to be this time round. It appears that RWB banned the use of spray cannisters at the resort. Even the police is there to confiscate sprays =.= There is also no countdown and no fireworks also but human spirit did not fail ! Some of the revelers partied in their own way. =D Btw the christmas deco up there is really nice !

toys through the window

window close-up

I walked around the carpark and the hotels during that time. Noticed that there are a few guys & girls like me too. Alone. But most of them are with either partners / friends / family. It was a really eye-opening experience.At that moment, the sense of appreciation just suddenly came over me. Watching them makes me wanted to do that so much with my family and friends. Thank you guys for being there for me all the time.

me and my family

me and f6 friends at amos's christmas party

But right now I've realized it's time for me to learn how to be alone again. Well, don't assume to the extreme .. it's not like I'm trying to cut myself away from the world. It's just that, I'm too used to being with people I find it hard to be alone. It's the balance in life that I've been looking hard for. Looking back, without it really I've been out of control. I'm being this needy / clingy friend which is annoying =.= I can be obsessive *sigh*

Speaking of obsession, I think this is one quality of mine which made me scared a lot of friends away. My only regret so far. I hope with this revelation I don't do such mistakes again. With this also I hope I will grow stronger and more matured. I'm already 20 years old .. really time to grow up already.

PS : Wondered how they have grown up into?

genting christmas '04

something broke

Right after I read that post, something deep down seriously broke. I even heard the sound. It is not as hurting as other events in my life but it broke something inside of me.

Perhaps I'm feeling unjust by the comments made. It's made to look as we or I in that matter forced this to her so that we can have fun watching her suffer. It's not as if we let go and let her do it hands off. We did offer help. Maybe not the way she wanted her support to be but I would like to say that we know you to a certain extent that if we help physically or even more, it would become some sort of reliance which we didn't want. I don't know how do u define friendship but for me it's not one that is based on need. Something which I've only too just learnt. The thing that hurts most was the trust part that you've put down. We've put all our faith in you, but maybe you feel it as a burden than what we originally wanted it to be ... motivation. But it's not going to work if we believe in you but you are not believing in yourself.

You were trying to change you say ? Maybe you are but you said that nobody know how hard you tried ? What does that mean anyway? You do it because you want something back ? Of course we know you've tried girl. I'm really confused about the post though, there are some parts which I don't get at all. I really would like to ask you about them but would you answer me ? Honestly I've tried in all my power to reach out to you and try to understand. I don't get to spend a lot of time with you thus I just shorten the process by asking. I thought it would work but if you don't answer I can't force it out from you you know. How can we be there for you if we don't know what is wrong ? I surely believe that we care. I mean, even normal friends would care .. of course they will ask. Or just maybe that you feel closer to your new friends as they don't know a lot about you and you feel safer that way ? That you can start anew ? I've had that feelings once but close friends are a different thing.

Finally maybe thats the only thing that I get from your post. You're uncomfortable with us. If it's that hard for you. Don't worry, we will back off. Just say it. Maybe the timing between us just didn't work out but if there is one day that you feel like coming back, I don't know for others but I would definitely receive you with open arms.

Honestly do not continue doing things that you're not happy with and that you don't want to. If our friendship has become just a commitment to you then I suggest you to stop. It will hurt the other party too not just you.

something definitely just broke.

Silence of the night

It was so easy for me to blog about other stuff on the group blog but when I start to write for my own I'm lost for words. I just don't know why. I've realized for most of the posts I've made for my personal blogs in the pasts are usually sad things. Perhaps I'm too excited during the times when I feel happy that I don't even bother to put them down anymore.

Well, enough of self-dwelling and time to move on to the post. It's been a long time since I've written. If the idea of the group blog didn't come up between me and kc I guess I won't pick up writing again. The year is coming to an end again and it's Christmas. My favorite time of the year other than Chinese New Year. It gets pretty cold here at Malaysia even though we don't go through winter like the northern and southern hemispheres but we do get the winds and rains though or maybe it's just the mood set up.

Been through a lot this year. Finally got into university, I'm taking Genetics and Molecular Biology in University of Malaya. My mom is already going through treatment for her cancer after getting to know about it the year before. So it's been a year already since treatment. Things were good for awhile during treatment. Her hair starts to grow back and at least I can see some sparks back in her eyes but things took a turn for worse recently. Her condition has worsen and now undergoing a different kind of treatment. The effects of the treatment and her condition is hard for her and for the family. She is a person who can normally stand pain and would try to hide from us as well as she can from the suffering she has. Well most of the time. But this time round, she don't even have the strength to hide it anymore. It is worrying. I can see the fear in her eyes. I've never seen that in her. Perhaps I don't spend time a lot with my family. Only now I've realized that, they are human just like me too. I use to think that parents know it all you know from the experience in life and such. Honestly it didn't occur to me till that moment. It suddenly dawned to me that it's time for me to look after them now. My dad being away now due to his job isn't helping much either. Sometimes I just hope that I can rely on someone and ask their advice and what to do but I guess life isn't just that easy. I'll have to learn to grow up and take up responsibility. Go through life and face it straight in the face. I want to be strong and I'll learn to be strong. The way I'm living now isn't the way I wanted. I will change it for the better.

Thats what I want to do and hope to accomplish next year. The past year and this one, I'm in a phase where I'm not sure of a lot of things. But now I am. I hope I'm truly out of this complacent attitude of mine and ready for the next phase in my life. This is a promise to myself.